LISTENING SKILLS: Good listening skills can relieve many fears for both the helper and the victim. Listed below are some basic skills.

EMPATHY: identifies and communicates understanding of feelings. It is the difference between "I understand how you feel (you probably can't unless you are a survivor of domestic violence) and reflecting what you observe "You seem depressed". "You appear very angry" etc. Empathy is helpful because:

* It builds trust quickly.

* It communicates genuine understanding.

* It gives the victim permission to express difficult feelings.

* It is accepting and non-judgmental.

* It keeps the focus on the victim.

* Expressing feelings helps in problem solving.

PROBLEM SOLVING: uses active listening to assist the victim in considering options. This four-step process is a simplified version?

1 . WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

Using empathy, assist the victim in identifying exactly what the problem is. During this stage you begin to build a relationship which will facilitate your movement through the following stages.

2. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE?

Begin to look at goals, hers not yours. Assist her in making realistic and achievable goals. You may also do some reality testing, such as being a gentle "devil's advocate".

3. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THERE?

Examine alternatives. Let her do as much of the work as possible. Your role is to support, encourage, and add to what has already been thought of.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU?

Clearly define roles and set action plans. It is important to set limits on what you will do. It is important for her to own the responsibility of her choices.

QUESTIONING: can be helpful for clarification or if they encourage the victim to continue her thought.  Don't use questions to change the subject or to focus on what you want to know instead of what the victim wants to say.

SUGGESTIONS: allow the victim to consider your option and accept or reject it. This allows her to consider ideas she hasn't thought of before she acts. Never give advice ("I think you should..."), as it makes you responsible for her problems and the consequences of her choices.